Sunday, December 5, 2010

Articles from the 2003 April Fool’s issue of the TankArd

By Colyne Stewart

p33r ph33r Causes Riot

The Barony of Rochambeau, normally a quiet and oft-overlooked corner of Ealdormere, has recently been the scene of one of the worst arts and sciences related riots in the history of the Knowne World.

Sources claim that at the barony’s quarter-annual A&S competition one of the Laurels present began screaming, “Ph33r my l33t skillz!” while whacking people over the head with a duo-tang of documentation for his display on Aztec chocolate drinks.

The violence apparently began when a member of the populace wondered aloud if the Aztecs were in period.

A member of the chivalry, the respected Sir Gynne the Barber, attempted to restrain the unnamed Laurel, who rubbed Aztec suicide peppers in his eyes. Gynne’s squires replied by pouring hot chocolate down the Laurel’s pants and the violence erupted in earnest.

After four hours, bruised and battered Pelicans managed to restore order. Most of the A&S entries had been destroyed in the riot. The unnamed Aztec Laurel, his cheetah skin cape stained with chocolate, ran off with the prize—a Viking ear spoon.

Farthingale Fluster – Elizabethans lazier than before thought, says expert

Eoforwic archaeologists recently unearthed evidence that once and for all answers the question “Why would women wear such gigantic underwear?”

THL Jocelyn Farfanoose led a team who discovered the grave of a woman they have dubbed Lucia. “Lucia was a noble woman from 15th Century England,” explains Farfanoose. “She was found under the bed of one of the citie’s founding members, but he plumb forgot she was there!”

Under Lucia’s farthingale was found a second body, with twisted, hunched shoulders.

“From this evidence, and from the obvious withering of Lucia’s legs, we can conclusively say that Elizabethan women hid small porters under their undies and rode on their shoulders,” said an expert.

Journals found buried with Lucia support this claim and clearly show small men carrying aristocratic ladies on their backs.

“The men would have to be very small,” said another expert. “Say, a little taller than Colyne.”

Colyne could not be reached for comment.

Constables Crush Scroll Forging Ring – Man Buys Peerage Online

Jido Mu-hung is a Laurel, at least according to his scroll, a scroll he bought on e-bay.

“I did a search on e-bay one day,” explains Jido, “and there it was—a peerage scroll. It was only $20 bucks too!” Jido’s scroll arrived two weeks later, complete with official seal but with the name of the recipient removed.

“I just filled in my name and viola! I was a Laurel!”

Meridian constables were alerted to the scam when Jido attended his next event. Jido, who has only been a member of the Society for a year, raised some eyebrows when he walked into Meridies Crown Tournament wearing a cape covered in Laurels and a Laurelate medallion.

“The medallion was only $5 more!” gushed Jido.

Tracking Jido’s method of payment—dumping a sack with the money behind a tree in a park—constables found the deviant responsible for the forged scroll.

Leon Ducot, last seen in Ruantallon impersonating a Duke, was found with a pile of scroll blanks and what looked to be a replica of the Meridian College of Arms official seal.

“He’d craved it out of a potato,” said a constable. “And potatoes aren’t period.”

Celts not Crazy – Plaid ain’t Bad

Celts all over the Knowne World, long discriminated against because of their pattern of preference, have finally had the last laugh.

“I always knew plaid was great,” said one such Celt. “I just never knew it was this great!”

Research carried out by the Sprigganstone Gaelic University, located somewhere in Drachenwald, has proved that plaid makes people virile.

“Ever wonder why many of the Celtic people wore kilts or went without pants?” asked a bare legged researcher.

“People of Celtic origin are randy and full of sexual energy and it’s all because of the plaid,” said a textile Laurel. “Tests have been done on other patterned fabric and none of them are as virile as plaid.”

“We knew there must have been a reason they wore it,” said a Renaissance lord. “It couldn’t have been for fashion sense.”

Saint’s Face Seen in Beer – Crispinus Sighted at Local Alehouse

Before a crowd of witnesses the face of St. Cirpsinus, patron saint of alcohol and cross-dressing, appeared in the foam in a cup of beer at the Jaunty Troll Pub.

“I was just sitting there, ready to blow the head of my beer,” said a bar patron, “when suddenly in the foam I see these two dark eyes looking out at me. I set the beer down and I clearly see the face of a man.”

“It was the face of St. Crispinus,” said the alehouse owner. “Sure as Green Bison vomit in the woods, it was.”

Eventually the beer went flat and the face disappeared as the foam evaporated.

“It was a sign from heaven to stay and have another draft,” said the patron who had first glimpsed the saint’s foamy features.

“I’m not a religious fellow,” said the patron’s friend, “but I recognize a miracle when I see one.”

It is reported by reliable sources that the pub did record business that night as every patron bought tankard after tankard of ale, beer and bitter in the hopes of seeing Crispinus appear again.

“Maybe this time in a dress,” said a winking patron.

Pointy Ears Seen at Local Event – Autocrat Denies Involvement

Participants in a local event were shocked last weekend when a group of individuals with pointed ears walked on site.

“At first we thought they were from the sci-fi convention next door,” said one such shocked participant, “but then we noticed the tight green leggings and then we knew.”

When asked what he knew, the participant refused to comment.

The autocrat of the event was more forthcoming.

“It’s them elves,” he said morosely. “Ever since the Lord of the Rings movies came out they’ve been popping up at events again. It’s like a plague. How can a personally reasonable person, one who usually wears perfect Flemish fish-wife garb show up in public with pointed ears. It’s shocking.”

Upon checking the paperwork at troll this reporter found that the autocrat had let the elves on site and even offered them a discount.

The autocrat could not be found again to comment but an elf wearing the same set of garb was seen fleeing the scene.

More on this story as events progress.


Aries Mar 21 – Apr 20
You should not have eaten that strange fish course at feast yesterday. Noting locations of public bathrooms a priority today.

Taurus Apr 21 – May 20
A belt could be in your near future. Or not.

Gemini May 21 – June 21
If you are a Peer, you will be in a meeting tomorrow. If you are not a Peer, you will be wondering what they are meeting about.

Cancer June 22 – July 22
You will inspire a bard today, for good or ill.

Leo July 23 – Aug 22
Chances to win tourneys high this month, but then so am I.

Virgo Aug 23 – Sept 22
A windfall of cookies may be coming your way, but beware the nuts involved.

Libra Sept 23 – Oct 23
At your next camping event your immediate neighbours will be Satan worshipping, Conan-esque sadomasochists. They will complain about you.

Scorpio Oct 24 – Nov 22
A certain household has you under surveillance, but I’m not telling which one.

Sagittarius Nov 23 – Dec 21
Do not go down to the woods today or you’re in for a big surprise.

Capricorn Dec 22 – Jan 20
The Mongols are coming…and they know your name.

Aquarius Jan 21 – Feb 19
You will be embroiled in an argument over who would play you in a movie about the SCA.

Pisces Feb 20 – Mar 20
You will be forced to write horoscopes for April Fools issue of your local newsletter. Sucker.

Flying Turtle Flocking in Record Numbers – Goblins Fear for Lives

This spring has seen a massive upswing in flying turtle populations, say rangers from Ardchreag.

“There’s always been a lot of turtles in the ‘chreag,” said a head ranger, “but never this many.”

The winged reptiles have been nesting in rooftops and church spires and their sheer weight has collapsed several buildings.

“First I thought it was cute to have one on my roof,” said a local resident. “But they kept coming. Soon I had dozens on my roof. Let me tell you, turtle guano stinks!”

There is another danger represented by increased flock size other than damage to masonry and piles of stinky turtle pooh. The food of choice for flying turtles is goblin, a diminutive cousin of the troll. Once numerous in Ardchreag goblins are now scarce as record numbers are being devoured by the turtle swarms.

“There is a great danger to the Septentrian goblin population, “ said a kingdom expert. “As those in Ardchreag dwindle, the turtles will increased their range. Soon these flying shellbacks will spread throughout the barony.”

Residents of Vest Yorvik have already launched an anti-turtle campaign. Armed with long poles topped with nets, residents take turns standing at strategic locations along their border.

“They have to get past Eoforwic first,” said one Vest Yorvikker, “but we’ll be ready if they do.”

Specialists from Skraeling Althing have suggested importing vorpal bunnies from their barony’s forests to prey on the turtles but Ardchreag’s officers have so far not taken them up on their offer.

Brother Thomas’ Cryptogram

qoisu dep sief vjot cyv dep auy

Answer: Piero can read this but can you

Key: The vowels were exchanged for the next vowel (including y), then the same was done with consonants. A=E, B=C, C=D, D=F, E=I, F=G, G=H, H=J, I=O, J=K, K=L, L=M, N=P, O=U, P=Q, Q=R, R=S, S=T, T=V, U=Y, V=W, W=X, X=Z, Y=A, Z=B

Wulfgang’s Head Speaks Out

Little known to many, Herr Wulfgang Donnerfaust has a secret.

“It’s…like this: my head is detachable,” said the German lord during a closed press conference. “It happened in Eoforwic last year. I found myself put in the stocks and then lead to a backroom where I was decapitated. For some reason that no chirurgeon can explain I didn’t die.”

Rather, Wulfgang has lived and gone on to be squire to a former Khan.

“It’s…weird,” he says. “For the most part I still feel normal but sometimes a good head shot on the field will knock my cranium clear off my shoulders. It’s kind of embarrassing, especially on a crowded field. Sometimes my head ends up getting kicked all over the place while I’m trying to find it.”

Several Mongols in attendance snickered at this statement. One of them later told this reporter, “We kick his head around on purpose. We call it wulfkashi.”

Wulfgang, called Uncle Vulfy by some and “Holy sh*t that big guy!” by others, is looking forward to the future.

“It’s…not something I’m letting hold me back,” he says bravely. “Me and my big head are going places.”

Invasion of the BOD Snatchers! – SCA Directors Replaced by Pod People

At the last gathering of the SCA Board of Directors a terrible discovery was made.

“I noticed that the Duke to my left had a fern sticking out of his cuff,” said an Honourable Lady from the Central Kingdom. “He kept drinking a lot of water too.”

Several members of the BOD were absent or late in attending the meeting, and many of those who did attend seemed to be in a daze.

“They all seemed to have a lot of plant matter on their persons,” said our Central Kingdom source. “Flowers on lapels, leaves sticking out of pockets. I thought at first it was some spring fertility thing.”

Finally asking her fellows what was going on, our source said, “They all stopped talking, pointed at me and let out this shrill cry. I was terrified!”

Running for her life, THL raced to the basement.

“That’s where I found them,” she said. “The pods. They had one for me too! I could see a replica of myself within the verdant growth!”

After making these revelations known by screaming them at the crowds at Gulf Wars, THL was taken by chirurgeons for recuperation at a remote asylum in the Outlands.

“You’re next!” she screamed as she was dragged off. “First the BOD, then the Knowne World!”

Bear’s Blue Banger Banned

Heralds and pursuivants across Ealdormere were called to a close door symposium recently where new heraldic laws were handed down. One of them has Septentrians up in arms – literally.

“This is an outrage,” spewed one Septentrian olde pharte. “We’ve always done this, they can’t stop us!”

Special heraldic constables have been scouring the barony looking for all traces of what many Septentrians fondly refer to as ‘blue yarbles.’

“You see,” said a former baroness of Septentria, “Back in the day the genitals of the Septentrian bear were coloured blue. This was a completely medieval practice. Medieval heralds would ‘arm’ arms and colour their teeth, claws and, yes, their genitals blue.”

But no more says new Ealdormerean Heraldic Law number 1138, which states: that no heraldry shall make any bearer of other heraldry feel emasculated by any means.

“We’ve had complaints,” said a representative of the College of Heralds. “Seems some of those who have arms or devices that don’t feature reproductive organs feel threatened by seeing giant cobalt blue yarbles displayed everywhere.”

When it was pointed out that this was an historic Septentrian practice and wasn’t really done anymore the representative just winked and refused to speak on the subject anymore.

Many Septentrians were noted to be filled with anger and grief as banners and tabards were seized, the offending members painted white.

“There’s more to this than meets the eye,” said one Septentrian bard. “I’ll be getting to the bottom of this!”

Heralds have no said that animal’s bottoms cannot be coloured either.

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